It’s 6:30 and M is just winding up her fussy time. Brian takes her so I can have a break while I get H ready for bed. I get H to bed by 7:00 and then it’s my turn with M . I try to nurse her. She squirms in my arms, resisting. She doesn’t want to cuddle. I walk with her. Brian walks with her. Around 7:30, she finally settles down. She nurses for about ten minutes and then resumes her squirmy fussiness. I just want her to rest in my arms. Why won’t she just relax? We walk some more. At some point around 8:30, she nurses until she falls asleep. I’m ready for her to sleep since we’ve been up since 6:30 a.m. with only very short naps in between. I lay her gently in her bassinet and go pop some popcorn. When I come back, she’s awake. This is a bit frustrating, but okay. I pick her up and nurse her some more while I enjoy my popcorn. She falls back to sleep. I lay her back down and go brush my teeth. By now, it’s after 9:00. I come back to the bedroom and she’s awake. How can this be? I am really not sure I have the patience for this! I scoop her back up, trying to not let her know how frustrated I am. I nurse her back to sleep and I finally get to go to sleep around 10:30.
She wakes me up to feed her at about 2:30 and I lay her back down around 3:30. At 6:30, we start the new day. As I said before, her naps are very short and it takes a long time of nursing to get her quieted down enough to lay her down. My arms are tired. I’m tired of touch. I want to have my hands free for just a few minutes. I need some quiet time. When she finally falls asleep for what should be her good afternoon nap around 1:00, H wakes up. It’s frustrating. It’s tiring. I sometimes question if I’m cut out for this.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother. I just want to express these feelings I’m sure we all sometimes feel. And now, I want to look at them in a different light. Turn it around. You are now that fussy child. I am now that fussy child.
God wants so much for us to just rest in His arms. Why won’t we rest? Why won’t we trust Him and relax? We start to go limp, totally trusting Him, but then we realize we’re not in control and we arch our backs and squirm away. We fuss. We cry. We complain. But does He ever feel the way I feel sometimes? Does He run out of patience? No, I don’t believe He does.
In spite of us; in spite of me, He doesn’t get frustrated. He doesn’t get tired. When we run to Him and decide we need Him, He holds us for as long as it takes. His arms never get too full. His heart is always open.
Praise God, He loves me in spite of me.
This sounds very much like my first year with Owen. It was so hard! When I was feeling this way, I didn’t know how I could ever have another child one day…I was so tired. Now that Owen is older and we’ve gotten through the rough patch, I believe whole heartedly that it made me a stronger more efficient mom. If I could get it done with the circumstances above, then how could I not do that as well as more for others now that he is older and sleeps through the night and is more self entertained? I realized the Lord has his reasons for everything, and He wasn’t making me miserable, just teaching me and making me stronger. I didn’t see it then, but I do now. I’ll be praying for you and hope you continue to see the positive in the tough times.